i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
