Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
