Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize