Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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