I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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