I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize