??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
