I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
