4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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