I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize