I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
