I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
