Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
