i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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