my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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