I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
