I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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