My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
