You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
