I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
