I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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