I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
