please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
