No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
