I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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