just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize