Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
