I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
