I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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