dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize