Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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