I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
one two three fourrrrnication!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
