I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
