Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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