shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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