im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
