Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
