I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
