Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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