dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
