my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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