hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
