You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
