On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
