...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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