Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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