i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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