It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
