you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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