Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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