omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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