There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
