Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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