Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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