Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
