I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I will die if light touches me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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