Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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