I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
